Someone in my (27F) family keeps updating my husband (28M), who I’m separated from, about

I got married way too young. A lot of my 20s has been spent doing things to help my husband achieve his goals and dreams. I came to the realisation I didn’t really know myself or what I wanted as an independent person; I’ve just been going along with what he wants. After we talked about it, we agreed to a temporary separation with no contact so I could figure things out for myself. Both of our families thought this was a bad idea, but they claimed they would respect our decision.

About three months ago, I randomly started receiving gifts which were always things I mentioned I needed/wanted to my family members in passing. I even tested it by mentioning random things, but it was when I mentioned I needed this expensive necklace and it showed up a week later that I knew it definitely wasn’t my family sending me them. I ended up logging into my husband’s amazon account and sure enough, he was sending me the gifts, which is nice of him but also, I feel like no one is respecting my decision and they’re all dictating my life again. This also has me really worried about what other things they’ve been telling him.

I have confronted them about it but they’re all denying it was them and I cannot prove who it was. I personally have a strong suspicion they’re all in on it, but I don’t know how to prove it. My husband has done a lot for my family, so I understand they have a sense of loyalty towards him, but it really feels like they’re choosing him over me.

What do I do now? I don’t want to confront my husband over it because I feel like that’s their end goal (and was also my mum’s first suggestion when I confronted them). Also, money and gifts are one of the few things we fought over before separating and I really don’t want to have the same argument again.

TL;DR – My husband and I are taking a break and are supposed to be NC. My family, however, have been updating him about me but denied it when I confronted them.



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13 Comments

  1. No matter who is doing it, your husband is breaking the NC agreement. If he respected your space he wouldn’t be sending you anything and your family would stop telling him things.

  2. Evil life hack: Tell different family members different things and see what the results are.

    I do not actually recommend this course, an info diet where you don’t tell anybody anything is healthier.

  3. Your mom is right. Your issue is with your husband. The two of you have an agreement to not have contact and he is breaking that. You can “confront” him without prolonging contact or having a fight.

    Simply send him an email stating you know he is sending you gifts and breaking your agreement. Ask him to please not contact you again knowing it is against your wishes and let him know if this continues that you’ll have to get lawyers involved if he continues to violate the boundaries you agreed to.

    There is no argument there. There is simply making it clear to him that his behavior is both unwanted and kind of shitty and needs to stop. Don’t engage, don’t fight about it, just put in writing that this is unacceptable and, by doing so, imply that if it continues you will consider it harassment. Remind him it is a violation of what the two of you agreed to.

    Then put your family on an information diet. Stop telling them things you don’t want your husband to know. Definitely don’t mention expensive necklaces or things like that.

    Having said that, more than three months of NC is a long time for someone you’re legally tied to. It may be time time to consider opening up one avenue of contact (so he is getting a weekly email from you rather than info filtered through family) or moving towards divorce or a legal separation agreement (if you don’t have one already). Your husband is likely very anxious not knowing what is happening and you’ve effectively put his life on hold while he waits to find out if you want to be with him or not. Hence it isn’t surprising that others think he ought to be kept in the loop and that he is trying to do things that he likely thinks are good ideas despite the violation of your boundaries and clear creepiness to win you back. You’re married. So if I was in his position I’d be worried you were running up debt or making other choices that result in legal consequences for him. If I were you I’d be worried about the same and what he is doing. It’s not just about the emotional connection. However much you trust each other, there are clearly some flaws and areas where you are not on the same page.

    Going more than three months without talking to a business partner is how you inadvertently learn the hard way that your business partner has started gambling or bought a new car in both of your names. Marriage is a legal tie in much the same way a business is. Even if the two of you have completely separate finances without a formal agreement, your lives are still tied together in ways that could be very detrimental. Hell, if one of you got very sick suddenly chances are high the other one would be the only one allowed to visit, make medical decisions, etc. Don’t end up with someone you don’t want any contact with and haven’t for months being the one to have that much power over your life. Even if you know he’d do his best and fully trust him, you two shouldn’t be legally tied together if you haven’t communicated for months and you’ve already seen clear signs he is breaking agreements the two of you have made (sending the gifts is a clear sign). People can change a lot in a few months, especially if it is their first time really being single or on their own as an adult. Someone who was initially okay with this separation might grow to resent you. Someone who is starting to move on might date another partner who influences them. Depending on where you live and other specifics, if one of you ends up either pregnant or getting someone else pregnant you’ve got a mess in terms of paternity, child support payments, etc. (that one goes both ways depending on how your taxes are filed or how any joint assets are set up). If you don’t have some baseline understanding of how each other is doing or a clear legal separation then you’re playing a really risky game where a very likely outcome is that you end up still married to someone who isn’t focused on making choices that take you into account or are in your best interest. I’m not saying the two of you need to know everything about each other but knowing he isn’t acting completely psychotic while alone during a global pandemic is likely a good place to start. Otherwise you risk finding out about things that will effect you by the simple fact that you are still married the hard way. I’m guessing him asking about you or family telling him about you probably comes from others who see it as reasonable for him to want to know how you’re doing to protect himself. The break idea is quite frankly shortsighted if it has gone on this long unless you’ve done a complete legal separation in which case you really shouldn’t have logged into his amazon account. If you are legally separated with clear legal agreements that lawyers have spent time on and your family is appraised of that ignore this, but it doesn’t sound like you fully are. Especially since you’re still clearly still connected enough to know his amazon password and feel entitled to log-in. It’s time to make some hard decisions if you’ve been separated without any contact for three months and still don’t want to talk at all. Do you have an end date to this “temporary separation” or is the plan to just continue indefinitely until one of you decides to file for divorce or you decide you want to be married again? How do you envision that going after months apart where you both have grown into different people and have no idea what page each of you are on? I saw a post the other day where someone was living with a partner and had a child and dog with that partner and that partner dropped dead. They discovered the wife they were separated from still inherited the house, and the dog, and planned the funeral. That wife also still found herself saddled with all the credit cards he’d taken out in both of their names to buy baby stuff. Neither woman knew about the other. Don’t get yourself into that kind of drama or mess because you want to spend months finding yourself. No one is going to tell you he’s moved on when you’re making a big stink and getting angry at family members for telling him about you.

    If there is no plan, take the gifts as a sign that he is getting antsy and wants things to change. You can’t go on like this forever. If it has been months and you’re dreading sending a single email, this is not someone you should be married to. Either work on your marriage or end it. Just disappearing from his life to live your own is not working on the marriage. Even if the idea is that it helps you decide if you want to be married long term, it’s clear right now you don’t want this in the moment and keeping him on the back burner may end very badly for you. A husband isn’t something you can put on a shelf and expect it to still be there unchanged when you decide whether to return to play with it or discard it. This is how a child thinks. If the idea of separating is to allow yourself to grow into an independent adult, actually be one and take some responsibility here. If the idea of working on this marriage by separating is that both of you are growing and changing, then you need to be able to communicate enough to know if you are growing and changing in compatible or incompatible ways. If you can’t even talk to someone about unwanted gifts, you shouldn’t be legally married to them.

  4. Maybe go no contact with your family for a while. Sounds like they are not supporting you by interfering with the arrangement between you and your spouse.

  5. It’s been 3 months and still no one knows what’s going to happen. They may be in the wrong trying to influence you but I feel like it’s understandable when everyone is a ball of anxiety waiting for you to make up your damn mind one way or the other, especially since they were (are) close to your husband. Either divorce him or try and reconcile but 3 months no contact from your legal spouse is insane IMO. I feel like you should know what to do at this point and based on this post it seems like you want to break up… just rip off the bandaid so you, he, and the two families can stop being in limbo.

  6. If you’re verbally taking them, someone is talking.

    If you’re texting or using a phone app, get your phone checked for spyware

  7. Alternate theory: You have your husband’s Amazon password. Maybe he has yours, too, and is checking your search history to see what you might want?

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