Tl;dr complicated girl and i don’t know what to do next
Hello reddit, first of all my english is not really best.
First the backstory. It’s about me(21M) and my co-worker (27F). You need to know backstory to fully understand the situation and then form the opinion, she is really complicated person + bad experience that will be explained in post
We know each other for a year and a half maybe, but we really started to hang out this year around february, it didn’t start so good at first, we were just friends then, she had boyfriend that she broke up with about half a year ago at that time, but he was acting like a psycho and she recived death threats from him. I was there for all the time, and at that time i started to feel things for her, we hang out after that, during corona times not so much, she was moved to other shift, but we still talked over PMs, to certain point, i went trought rough period with my diet she didn’t want to ask me whats wrong, and our relationship as friends went cold we stopped chatting and almost stopped talking, until her birthday, she invited me to her birthday we had a lot of fun, day before she had problems with her ex psycho that she told me about later after few days, again death threars etc.., our relationship really improved over that period to today and on one night we kissed, a lot was said and etc. We will take a break here.
As a child i went trought really hard times with health, and experienced hard life trauma which left scared mentally and physically for the rest of my life. Only my parents and my brother know what’s up with me, my grandmother knows only about operation not my diagnosis. I can’t force myself to talk about it, when i think about it, hello deppresion. I had operation related to my health issue, i told everybody that im going in for foot surgery, that was a lie i couldn’t admit to anyone about my problem and what im going for surgery. She also was told that lie, i can’t explain enough, that she kept me from breaking apart mentally during recovery, i really really feel in love with her at that period. One night(after recovery) as we were drinking in car and i don’t know how i gathered all of my will and told her the whole truth about me, my problem and surgery . I know she lost trust in me on that night, i get her, i lied to her a lot about my surgery, she was the most with me trought my hardest times, and if i could bring back time i would force myself to talk about it with her before but i just couldn’t, i couldn’t force myself, i think she can’t understand it because she never went trought hard life trauma, but we kept hanging out together, and our relationship didn’t change as much, but i think i will ever regain her trust again. She is the only person that knows the true whole story, my suicide atempt, long lasting deppresion, health issue and so on. Parents and brother knows what i went trought physically, but not mentally. Only she knows the full story.
She is not ready for relationship, and i understand her, she went trought a lot with her ex, and i completly understand her and i don’t want to force anything on her. She said that she can’t be in relationship now and i respect that But the problem is she is really, really hard and stubborn person especially when it comes to relationships, she is really fun and friendly person and likes to have fun and i enjoy spending time with her. But lets explain her a bit, she is not very affectionate lets say for me, only when she is drunk we can talk how we care about eachother, we didn’t have sex yet, but she told me she never, ever had sex sober, she is not type of person that sleeps around with people, she didn’t have much sexual partners in her life, and thats the only 1% i think she has problems with expressing her feelings and relationships as well, i could talk about her for days, she is really one of the best people i’ve met in my life, i understand that everyone is different and had different experiences in life but i never came across hard, stubborn and complicated person like her.
I have feeling that we aren’t on same level of respect towards eachother, i would do anything for her, and thats not a joke, but i have feeling that she wouldn’t do same for me, lets explain a bit, we talk, every single day, over calls and PMs, and as i said she is really complicated person have that in mind, as an example, for the next week i ask her lets go out for drinks on friday, her usual reply is “oh i really don’t know where i will be at that time” but if ANY of her friends ask her for drink, no problem she is going with no delays, we only hang out after our afternoon shift, never during morning shift, when i asked her out for drinks during morning shifts she would reply that she need to be home at 20:00 because she isn’t really morning type(she really isn’t) but if one of her friends asks her no problem she is going, i would understand if im asking her every day for drinks i would get it, i ask her maybe for once a week, i have feeling that she is hanging out with me only if she has noone else to hang out with, we are going on few afternoon drinks after work then we move in car and continue to the early in the morning, we are talking and having fun, kiss a few times and thats it. Example today, i said we i had few beers left from day or two ago when days ago, which we had, and she said we could go to finish those, and later down the shift her friend asked her out for few beers and she went with her. For now we are “friends with benefits” but it’s really stupid name for this relationship. I don’t know what to do, i really can’t keep going like this, my university is suffering, my mental health is suffering , story is WAY WAY complicated than all of this but some things can’t be written down with words. I would say as i lost 30kg recently she is not very supportive of me in a way she is “there for me” but my diet is 0 alcohol consuming, and she knows that, but she is like “cmon you can drink one” and so on, but who knows keto, its not so simple
What should i do? Im lost, im just suffering, should i talk about it with her whats on my mind? Or try to keep distance a bit? Its hard to keep distance when we talk every single day
Just keep in mind that this situation is way way, light years away complicated than you think, and same thing about her.