Throwaway for obvious reasons. I’m also mobile so forgive me for any formatting issues.
When I was 39w4d pregnant, I went into my doctors office for my last check up. I was being watched carefully for high blood pressure, and on this day it wouldn’t go down even after drinking water and laying on my left side for awhile. My doctor decided to send me to the hospital to be induced.
I spent the next 5 DAYS in labor, trying every induction method besides cytotec. Nothing was working even after manually opening my cervix to 4cm, and I suspect this might be due to the magnesium drip I was also on for my blood pressure. In the end, I ended up having a c-section.
Now, the hospital I was delivering at was a “baby friendly” hospital, meaning the babies roomed in with the mother. The nursery was completely shut down unless a baby needed medical help. This also meant that there was no one available to take your baby if you needed to shower or sleep or anything else. My sons father worked overnights and wouldn’t take off any time after the birth either.
So there I was as a first time mom, 36 hours out from having major surgery, and still on medicines to lower my blood pressure. I was also taking amitriptyline for insomnia, which the nurse dispensed to me. It was the middle of the night and my son started to cry. I picked him up and we sat down in a chair and I put him on my chest.
I must have passed out because I suddenly woke to my baby on the cold hard floor of our hospital room. I picked him up and checked him over and he seemed fine. I was especially worried about his head, but didn’t notice any abnormalities and he never developed any bruises or anything. At the time, I know I should have told someone. I didn’t because I was so afraid that he would be taken from me. I was so afraid anyone would think I was unfit or couldn’t be trusted. I never told my sons father because he was abusive and this was something that would put me at risk to his wrath.
So, I never told anyone. I’m deeply ashamed about it. The mom guilt I have feels crushing sometimes. My son is 5 years old now, and pretty healthy but struggles with some aspects of speech. I always worry if he the fall affected his brain in any way and maybe that’s why he struggles with speech. Logically I know the hospital and my ex failed me when I really shouldn’t have been left alone. But I’m just not sure if this guilt will ever leave me.