I don’t exactly know where to start with this but I’ll try to get the important details in here. I have known my best friend since we were 10 but ended up getting really close with her since we were 16. Her and I lived in different places at the time so most of our interactions happened over the internet. Regardless we grew really close and our personalities clicked very well with one another. The conversation was effortless, our banter was perfectly tuned, and we were genuinely interested in each other and our lives. As time went by we both knew there was a clear attraction between us and that had grown stronger overtime. At this point I wouldn’t get myself invested emotionally because we weren’t living in the same place. We were the people who knew the most about one another and the people we told our deepest, darkest secrets, impulses, and feelings.
Over a year ago she was thinking about moving to the East Coast. We were talking about whether is was a possibility for her to move here. She had came here to stay for a week and visit me and scout the area to see if she had liked it. We had made the plans and I had even helped pick out the Airbnb shed stay in to make that she was also a close distance. She came and I picked her up in the airport and we were both super excited to finally meet up properly. There was no awkwardness between us and we had connected and flowed very smoothly. All is well. Over this week we had gotten to know each other, she had gotten to know my friends, smoked a shit ton of weed,had amazing sex, explored the city, did magic mushrooms, and fell in love all in the same week. Honestly could say it was one of the happiest weeks of my life. I loved everything about the dynamic we had and it was what I had no idea I was looking for. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time but I knew this is what I had wanted (Keep in mind this was actually the first relationship I had experienced).
After that week was over she had planned to move here and stay with a friend of her parents until she found a place of her own. She had come here and we had stayed in an Airbnb for a weekend before she went to them. Again had an awesome time but unfortunately we had started a relationship one foot out the door in order to also perserve our friendship. Honestly it was a stupid idea from her to suggest that and me an even bigger dumbass to accept at the time. The way we had put it together made a lot of sense at the time. Now i know.
Everything was going smoothly for the first month and we were happy together. Although over the second month I felt something wrong on her end. She was very resistant and everytime I would sense that something was wrong she wouldn’t really communicate with me. Its like something was going off in her head that I had no idea about. I saw her slowly get withdrawn from me and I had no idea why. I felt that no matter how hard I tried I couldnt figure out what was happening and how to go about the situation. I felt like i was losing her and felt very powerless. I went on a cruise with my family for a week and only to get a call from her the 2nd day telling me that she was moving to a different state to go live with her aunt where she would take care of her. I was obviously upset but I also figured she wasnt happy here and part of me was happy that she could at least go somewhere where she would more easily find herself. I get a call the day before I come home of her telling me that she was leaving the same day I was coming back and that I wouldnt be able to see her. That truly broke my heart that I couldn’t say goodbye to her and I thought that maybe she had a good reason for it.
A month goes by and while we still talk I sense that she has been trying to avoid conversation with me little by little and I am sitting here wondering what I even did to deserve this. On the night of NYE I texted her happy new year and hope she would have a great year and that I was happy she was accomplishing the goals she set out to reach. She was very happy to hear from me and even apologized for the way she has been and how things have been going. She had explained to me how she was in a lost place in her life when she lived here and that her family was helping her find that place. I was genuinely happy for her. We also knew that while we were not together we did have strong feelings for each other and would try to see and visit each other in the future. She stated that if I was to hook up with someone that she didnt want to know about it but if I had gotten in a relationship she would like to know. I stated that if she was to hook up or be in a relationship with anyone that she should at least let me know so we are on the same page. We had decided that for sure wed see one another in the summer.
8 months after she left we had already planned for me to come visit her. Everything seemed cool and even seemed like overtime we had managed to get close again. A week before she had told me that she couldn’t see me and didn’t know how to tell me. I was confused and the first thing I thought was “Wtf happened now?” She told me to get on a call that she needed to tell me something. The thing she wanted to tell me was that she had already slept with someone and didn’t really know how to tell me. I was crushed and very upset as she had said that this happened 3 months ago and wasn’t planning on telling me because she thought she would lose me. She also felt bad about the fact if I had went there we would have created memories on top of that and that it wouldnt be fair to me. I was obviously very upset not even with the fact that she slept with someone but the fact that she didn’t tell me when it happened and only a week before I had come to visit.
I dont speak to her for a while in order to get my thoughts together and see how I wanted to go about this. I figured the reality is if I wanted a relationship with this person for real then we would have be to working towards that. A month later that’s what I had suggested be done. The conversation about trust and honestly went on for a while. I had given her some time to think for a while. After two weeks she had come back to tell me that she no longer has romantic feelings for me and didnt want a relationship with me. This crushed me but I thought the best thing for me was to move on and learn to love myself better. It had been a hard time for me over the next month or so but I felt myself moving on from her and moving past the situation seeing a reality in which we can still be friends.
A couple months pass and we are speaking again to try and slowly go back to being friends. Mostly small talk and exchange music and memes. Yesterday she called me with a lot of news and a very heartfelt apology about how she had treated me what the pain that she had put me through. She had told me that she was moving back here and I was surprised and actually a little bit happy because I thought we could at least make up for lost time and be friends again. She also surprised me with the fact that she had romantic feelings for someone else and that I didn’t know who he was and it was pretty recent. I already decided from a while ago that a relationship would not be a good idea but it obviously hurt me to know that she is experiencing that with someone else. I didnt pry further into her relationship and continued talking as friends. She calls me later that night to tell me she needed to ssy something. Apparently the person she was talking about before was someone I knew. It turned out to be one of my friends. I am not super close to him but we hung out quite a few times. She had actually met him through me and my other friend. She says that they have been growing real close and that she has been falling for him. I even started to question whether is happened while we were together but from what she told me is that it started over the summer and that after we stopped talking they had been visiting each other. This broke me because it took so much effort for us to arrange a meet up and it didn’t even happen but this she had no problem putting the effort into. I was furious because I had specifically said if we weren’t together that I would be uncomfortable if she were to date one of my friends and it would make things complicated. I feel like Im not asking for much but this person doesn’t seem to fulfill that. At the same time she had also been helping me though a lot of hard times and dark places that I was going through and has honestly been one of the few people that actually makes an impact on me that way.
TL;DR: I have no idea what to do. One hand it feels like she doesn’t respect my boundaries and keeps hurting me. On the other hand she was and still is one of the few people that has truly helped me through my dark times and shows me the best in myself. I dont know how someone could do both. I truly dont know what to do or think. Should I continue to be her friend or should I fully cut contact with her?