He said I was needy. Was I?

I’m not sure where to put this post. I (17F) have this friend (19M) I’ve known for nearly 3 years and we recently started talking more when we had more time during the quarantine.

So when I first started talking to him, I was more fun and chilled and he seemed to like me a lot and we would talk for hours a day and call each other and flirt. He ghosted me and blocked me on everything one day after a few months of talking, and then came back and apologised after a few months and I forgave him and we started talking again. He’s left a few times. But obviously, after he came back, I felt it was very unstable and I was always thinking he would leave again. Every day he got more distant and we didn’t talk as much, he wouldn’t say good morning anymore and he wouldn’t compliment me as he used to so I started to become ‘needy’, I would tell him how much I cared and give him the reassurance that I wanted to get. He would always tell me he did want to talk to me and he really did care but then would go back to being cold in a few hours and doing everything I expressed I didn’t like.

It went from us talking every day from 1 pm-5 am. Him begging me to facetime because he wanted to hear my voice. Calling me perfect all the time and saying he wanted to be with me so badly. Him actually putting in the effort and wanting to talk to me. The conversations were never awkward or forced and now he is extremely cold and distant towards me and I feel like it is my fault like I have changed and that now I’m not fun to talk to.

Anyway, my anxiety and depression got a lot worse so we started talking on and off, we would stop talking for a few weeks and then talk again. When we would talk again it was exactly how it used to be when he would be really nice and seem to want to talk to me and put in the effort and after a few days, he would go back to acting cold. I got extremely attached to him and the more distant he was, the worse I got. I constantly felt like I was doing something wrong and that’s why everything had changed. He no longer cared about how I was doing and he would ignore me. I would mention him ignoring me and he would always make an excuse and turn it around onto me saying I was needy and need reassurance. I would mention how he acted a lot of the time and he would say everything’s fine and he’s just busy which made me feel even worse because I thought I was once again just being needy. I would ask him if he wanted to talk to me and tell him that how he was acting was hurting me. I never got mad that his replies were taking a long time but I would mention them if I knew he wasn’t at work and I would ask him to let me know when he couldn’t text me and just to tell me he can’t talk right now. I would always tell him I understood why he was doing what he did and tell him I understood how he felt and I feel like he took advantage of that. I always tried to look at it from his pov too, to make sure I wasn’t being unreasonable.

He continued to get worse: taking hours to reply when he used to reply quickly, conversations being really dry and in general, him being more distant. I would always remind him how I felt because I thought if he knew I cared, he would stay. The other night my depression was really bad and I just couldn’t deal with this anymore, constantly feeling like I had done something and was annoying him. Feeling like it was my fault. So I told him everything I felt and he was saying I can leave if I want to which didn’t help. In the end, I just said everything I wanted to say and then I stopped texting him. His reply was saying he sort of misses me but sort of forgets and that he only likes talking to me sometimes but then gets tired because I get needy. He said a lot more than that, that wasn’t the nicest and then we stopped talking.

It seemed the more effort I put in and the more I cared, the less he did. It hurt me a lot because I’m now thinking that if I hadn’t been needy, it would be the same as it used to be when it was really nice. I have always been someone who likes to talk about my feelings and I really didn’t realise it came off as being needy and needing reassurance. I feel like I have ruined it because of how insecure I am so was I being needy and does it sound like my fault?

TLDR he called me needy because I would express how I felt often and try to talk to him about how distant he was and I feel like I ruined it and it’s my fault



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7 Comments

  1. I can’t say that you’re needy, but I can say that you guys were far too involved far too quickly. 1pm to 5am? Who has time for that? That is a crazy amount of time to be talking to 1 person daily. The fact that he cut off communication and then came back and you let him taught him how to treat you. You’re young. I can understand resuming a relationship after the first time he took off, just due to immaturity, but after that, you should have stopped communicating. I understand that you likely don’t have much experience and you could have some self confidence issues, but I want you to know and I want you to understand that you deserve better. That you should never put up with this type of behavior. He doesn’t care about you. Please, please stop talking to him. I don’t want you to get in to a pattern of behavior where you believe that it is normal for someone to treat you like this. Cut him off from every social media platform. If you want to tell him that you are done and to stop contacting you, then go for it, but you don’t owe him that either. Please let go of any dream that you guys were meant to be. You’re not. He is abusing you. He is treating you like a toy he gets tired of and pick up whenever he gets bored with his other toys.

  2. I don’t think you’re needy but you definitely need to learn to be your best companion because people can’t/won’t always be there and that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.

    And the way this guy disappears out of the blue and come back as if nothing happened…it gave me the chills. I can only tell you from experience that this kind of people will always have you walking on eggshells and that the best course of action is to cut him off completely.

    Edit: spelling

  3. I don’t think you sound needy, I think you’ve just got into a situation where you’re investing much more energy than the other person, and that will only ever end in your feelings being hurt. I think he’s treating you unkindly, and if you want to keep a relationship with him you need to have strong boundaries and not give so much of yourself to the relationship. In my opinion, there will be someone out there who can match your energy and would never let the relationship affect your mental health like that, ditch this guy and go look for them instead.

  4. You didn’t ruin anything, he just only cares about what he wants when he wants it.

    When he wants emotional connection- you have to FaceTime him and talk for hours.

    When he doesn’t- you are “too needy”

    My educated guess is that in those times that he’s cold, he’s talking to someone else and you’ve been compartmentalized.

    That’s just a guess based on having been around those types of people before, the people who get a emotional high from someone that they don’t ultimately respect.

    I know it probably feels really good when he’s “on” for you, but then you feel worse when he’s not and you blame yourself. My advice for your own mental health sake is to pull back from this person and find an emotional connection more reliable and respectful to you.

  5. Who the hell talks every day from 1 to 5. Thats untenable. If you expect that level of involvement you are going to get disappointed ever time.

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