My girlfriend (24 F) gets pissed at me (21 M) every time I don’t validate her feelings. Now, I don’t see myself as someone who would downplay someone’s else’s emotions, and I feel like I’m being gaslighted. She’s even called me emotionally abusive for this reason.
If I had to pick it apart, the reason why I get defensive when she tries to talk to me is because her feelings are always delivered with an accusation of some sort, and she usually does not propose a solution, which leads to the same problem reoccurring later on… “You study all day, and don’t have any time for me. I feel like you don’t care.” (I’m in my last year of undergrad, and yeah, sometimes I need a day or two to myself in order to meet deadlines and review material). These days of grinding school come and go, but what she said really shat on the things I do for her, big and small, and I wouldn’t mind being appreciated for them, either. To say I don’t care is just bashful.
One time, during an argument, she said I was “mentally still in high school,” and that it is a problem, simply because I check in on my friends every week and a half or so, and she doesn’t. When I refused that it made me childish, she got pissed and went on about how I was refuting her feelings.
How do your SO/loved ones express their negative feelings so that it is conducive to a resolution, and so that it maintains the love and respect in your relationship? I would love to hear a good model that we should both follow. I’m probably going to find my way out of this relationship, because I can’t take it anymore, but I don’t want this problem to arise again in the future, and I don’t want to be a problem to anyone else, either.
TL;DR: My girlfriend always pairs her emotional expression with something hurtful, doesn’t propose any resolution, and I get blamed for being an ass.