We’ve been together 12 years, married 11, have a 9yo daughter. And I want out.
There’s been issues with building resentment and lack of empathy since probably when she was born, and we’ve got through them as best we could but the underlying problems haven’t gone away. I feel like we’ve done our best but I’m now mentally checked out of the relationship and looking ahead to plan a separation. (Looking at property to rent/trying to work out the finances – I’m in the “planning” stage)
I feel anxious most of the time. Things between us are peaceful at present, but I haven’t talked to him yet about what I want, the reason being I only decided in the last week or so that this is definitely what I want.
So I’m hoping it is going to be an amicable situation. He suffers from depression and anxiety and I don’t want to trigger him. I will probably tell him as soon as I’ve moved from planning into action stage but honestly don’t want to hang around too much after that because that’s when it’s going to get difficult to live with him and I’m hoping to minimise the disruption on daughter.
As I say, my anxiety aside, the day to day situation is actually ok. We aren’t arguing, just spend a lot of our time doing seperate things. I can live with it for now, which makes me think I should take the time between now and Christmas to plan, save and get ready. The other part of me wants to run now. I’m also scared I might say something accidentally that lets slip between now and then.
Does anyone have advice for me? Should I plan and wait, and hope we can potentially have a nice family Christmas first or should I tell him straight up as soon as I can that I’m ready to go? If I’ve already made the decision in my head, is it too late?
I should also mention that he is not a violent man and there has never been any physical aggression in our marriage but some of our arguments can get very heated and ugly.
TL/DR: I’m planning to leave my husband of 11 years and take our daughter, do I tell him ahead of time or just grab and go?